Category: struggles

To be a wife…

…waiting in active preparation…

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“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”*

Recently, one of my single girlfriends came over to share lunch and watch an episode of the series This is Us. In the middle of the episode, something sparked us to reflect on our own love lives… or, rather, lack thereof… We shared our experiences, our heart’s desires, our annoyances, and our frustration in waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

After we finished and my friend left, I began to reflect on our conversation… It got me thinking what would it look like to be a wife? Not, what does it look like day in day out… But rather, what would I look like as a wife…? what kind of wife would I be? What are the traits that I would hope to possess? And it occurred to me, I’m not there yet…

I’ve been blessed to know many godly women who have been great examples to me of what it looks like to be a good wife, and a good mother… It’s taken them courage… persistence… perseverance… tolerance… forgiveness… self–sacrifice… allowance… acceptance… determination… am I that kind of person?

To be a wife is so much more than being a lover, an assistant, or a support…

It means being an encourager… being an ego booster… being a confronter…

It means being willing to put in the hard work to work through differences, disagreements, and misunderstandings… without running away…

It means being vulnerable and real…

It means being willing to put aside the desire to be found correct, and instead seek to be one…

And, I venture, it means many more things I have yet to understand or even know…

Proverbs 31 has always been the passage that the Church has always looked to as the best example of a wife… To be honest, at times that Proverbs 31 lady seems so “perfect” that it seems impossible to try to be like her… even though the desire remains strong to try to keep her pace…! Like the perfect “soccer mom” of the 90’s…

Well, as I sit here in my cozy bedroom-for-one enjoying an evening of peace and quiet, I’m humbled to recognize the ways in which I have to grow… even as I recognize these things and even strive for them, I must also accept the truth that I’ll never be perfect… never…

So, as I seek to “grow up” in maturity – to be tolerant, gracious, flexible, dependable, stable, encouraging – I also seek to rest in authenticity, being real about who I am and where I’m at…

And so, I guess I am content to wait… but wait with purpose… wait in active preparation… seeking to grow, deal with my insecurities, my anxieties, my “issues…” so that when I meet my man, I can be all the more ready to grow in oneness with him…

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”**

*Proverbs 13:12

**Ecclesiastes 4:12

pc: Sarah Coffey, Cesis, Latvia 2016

…a half…

…Jesus is enough…

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one-hundred-eighty-four days… twenty-six weeks… six months… half a year… half a year… half…

I’ve been in Utah now for half a year… It hardly seems possible… And yet, there’s the calendar proving the point…!

These six months have passed by like Mario Andretti rounding the track at the Indy 500, pulling out a win… blink and you’ve missed him…!

…to my chagrin, it no longer feels like I just recently moved here… the dust is settling… roots are growing… so many reasons to be hopeful, excited, thankful…!

Now in a new state… a new house… new roommates… new church… new perspective… a new job… new friends… new adventures…

But one of the most surprising, exciting, yet, scary things has been the self-discovery… learning more about who I am… who God has made me to be… and, even how I’m broken… yes, broken, to my own dismay…

It’s been said that no matter where you go, you always take yourself with you… [Ain’t that the truth?!] There have been many times that I’ve wanted to leave myself behind, so to speak… To be someone else… Someone “cool”… someone that’s got it together… someone successful, in the eyes of the world…

Alas, I’m still just me… Sarah… with all my bundles of nerves, idiosyncrasies, “just so” tendencies… But you know what?… God continues to teach me, I’m enough… But more importantly, He’s enough…!

“…I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness…”*

Yes, love… He has loved me in those who have loved me here… reached out in kindness to listen to my stories… invited me to dinner… included me in the group… cared about what concerns me…

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me… no one can snatch them out of my hand.”**

Yes, secure… so often I’ve doubted my security in Jesus, but He’s promised that no one can take from what is His… after all, He said, “I lay down my life—only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again.”***

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”+

Yes, sufficient… in moments when I’ve struggled, He has been right there… in the silence, the stillness, the uncertainty and confusion…

“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to HIM be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”++

Yes, immeasurably more than we imagine… so many new beginnings and new surprises… the future always held such an anxious grip on me, that I didn’t want to enter… and yet, Jesus reminds me He is the Author of new things…

And so, as I look back over the last six months, I smile with a tear in my eye at all His provisions… His faithfulness… despite my weakness… despite my denial of His goodness… despite my fears of things imagined… and so, He will also bring me through the next six months and beyond…!

*Jeremiah 3:13

**John 10:27-28

***John 10:17-18

+2 Corinthians 12:9

++Ephesians 3:20-21

pc: Sarah Coffey, Utah 2017

Worth the climb…

…don’t give up, the climb is worth the view…

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Before departing Macedonia, I’d agreed to go on a hike with one of my teammates. It was planned for the morning of our departure. At first, I was glad to have one last opportunity to see the city from the hilltop. But as preparations were being made to leave, my mind raced, thinking of all the packing, cleaning, and goodbyes yet to be done. I could feel the stress welling up in me… it felt so consuming… how could I drop everything and make time for a morning hike with so much left to do? But, still wanting to see the view and having given my word, I met my teammate at our appointed time.

Walking through the park, up the hill where the trail began, my mind kept recounting last minute details… Did I remember to pack all my toiletries? Will I need to go to the market for any snacks? Are my phone and laptop chargers packed?

Meanwhile, my friend led the way along the narrow, steep, canopied path. It was a beautiful day…! The sun barely peaking over the hillside, birds singing, hardly anyone on the trail… Too nice for me to be grumbling…! Again and again, I prayed that I could be present in this moment… Again and again, I could hear my heart grumbling, this hike better be worth it… the view better be spectacular…!

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Rounding the bend at the crest of the hill, I was in awe… The view of the city below was truly magnificent! And there was a little wooden bench beside the path, perfect for a mini-rest to enjoy the view. In that moment, I was overcome… humbled… overcome by the breathtaking view… humbled because I’d spent a good portion of the trail grumbling to God…

Sitting on the bench, my friend and I reflected on our month of ministry… For me, it had been a difficult month… There were dark things my soul had wrestled with… It was only by God’s grace and His steady Hand that I had made it to this moment… Tears began to fall down my cheeks as I felt overwhelmed by His faithfulness… I began to pray with my friend, thanking and praising God… apologizing for my wayward, stubborn heart…

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Looking out over the valley, the climb was well worth leaving my “important” tasks behind… I had been given a broader view… my frenzied self was re-grounded, calmed by God’s presence and love…

I’ve been discovering that life is a lot like that hike… There are so many tasks that compete for our attention and devotion… Family, friends, work, church responsibilities… It’s difficult to get away to find the calm… In our dog-eat-dog world, it’s tough to see the value in it…

Not to mention, the hike of life seems difficult enough… the incline is steep, we cannot ascertain what the next bend will bring, whether it’ll be shaded or find a rattlesnake in our path… We want ease…

As a kid, I thought following Jesus would be easy… Do what He wants, abide by His rules, and He’ll reward you with blessings and provide safety for you, protection to be unworried by the happenings of this world…

But, that’s not so… Following Jesus isn’t easy… Keeping the faith, walking with Him has been one of the most difficult things I’ve done in my life… As life has thrown me some unexpected curveballs, even my deepest held, most dear beliefs have been challenged…

But I know the hike is worth it…

And so, to you, friend, don’t give up…! Jesus has promised not only that the climb will be difficult, but that it will be well worth it… He knows our troubles… In fact, He promised that we’d see our fair share…

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”*

So, just as we’ve experienced the trouble He promised, how much more can we count on the rest of His promises??

“In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”**

And so, if you find yourself sore from the climb, doubting whether it is worth it, remind yourself that it is… Take time to be alone with Jesus… Let Him renew your spirit and revive your soul…

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”***

And find others with whom you can hike… You are not alone!

“Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers and sisters throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”****

“So, do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded.”*****

*John 16:33

**John 14:2-3

***Isaiah 40:30-31

**** Peter 5:8-9

*****Hebrews 10:35

pc: Sarah Coffey, (except the one I’m in is by Darek Hollis), Bitola, Macedonia 2016

A Lesson from Dunkirk…

…where there is unity there is victory…

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Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of hosting my mom for a visit. It was a nice time to reconnect, catch up, and explore…

While here, my mom mentioned wanting to see the movie Dunkirk. I hadn’t heard of it, but not having seen a movie in the theater in a while, and knowing my mom has good taste in movies, I was definitely up for the venture.

Dunkirk recounts the historic Battle of Dunkirk on the coast of France during WWII. As it goes, the Nazis had surrounded British, French, Belgian and Dutch forces in May of 1940. The Battle of France was beginning to heat up, so British and Belgian forces rallied to France’s aid.

Roughly 400,000 Allied soldiers were trapped on the French coastline, hemmed in by the Axis powers. Conceivably, the only means of survival was an evacuation by means of the English Channel.

Being that the piers on the French coast had been destroyed and large naval vessels couldn’t sail into the shallow waters nearest the shore, the call went out to British civilians to relinquish their private yachts and small fishing boats to the government for the rescue mission deemed, Operation Dynamo.

Prior to this plan, Churchill had briefly considered a conditional surrender to the Nazis. Had he done this, it’s possible that the outcome of WWII could have been vastly different, being that this was just the beginning of the war. Churchill also thought they’d only be able to rescue a mere 30-40,000 soldiers.

In response to the call, approximately 850 private vessels sailed across the channel, some with their proprietors aboard, and rescued over 330,000 Allied soldiers!

Upon reflection, a connection formed in my mind between this historical event and current happenings here at home…

Right now, there’s a battle being waged in America… Race and ideologies are recurring themes… It’s insidious, subtle, disturbing… It can be difficult to understand… Passions run deep… We have seen how our government and media reacts… Use of force, replaying the horror, perpetuating doom…

But this is OUR nation… these are OUR people… these are OUR communities… Simple civilians, we must continually respond to this call… Government power and strength is limited… We must offer our vessels, dawn our sailor’s cap, hoist the mainsail and stand ready at the wheel…

Just as the fate of hundreds of thousands of Allied soldiers was changed by the intervention of British citizens, so too, the fate of our communities depends on us, the citizens… we the people… The battle at Dunkirk was too great for the government to manage alone… and so the battle in our nation runs too deep for government resolution…

So, what can we do?? What does it look like to fight such a battle??

We must all ask ourselves these questions because the answers will look different for each one of us. However, may I suggest we start by remembering who we are… We are the UNITED States of America…

And so, let us start by coming together… making a point to stand together in our similarities, rather than stand apart on differences… choosing peace instead of pride… holding hands across the aisle instead of fists… choosing UNITY…

At Dunkirk, “…the divisions of society…were put aside and ‘everyone came together and showcased what is best about Great Britain. They found unity from diversity.“*

It is not in numbers, but in unity, that our great strength lies.

– Thomas Paine

Where there is unity there is always victory.

– Publilius Syrus

Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

– Psalm 34:14

*LA Times (http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/movies/la-ca-mn-dunkirk-history-20170714-story.html)

pc: Sarah Coffey, Waikiki Beach, Hawaii

Finding my stride in singleness…

…even in singleness there is purpose… meaning… blessing… God has allowed it… for sure, He has a plan…

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A friend recently loaned me his June copy Christianity Today magazine… As I skimmed the pages, my eye caught glimpse of an intriguing article reviewing a new book about singles and the church…

 

 

Within the first couple paragraphs, I was hooked as the reviewer, Joy Beth Smith, shared her experience…

 

 

“This was never the life I imagined… What boys did [I] pass up? What mistakes did [I] make? What routines did [I] neglect, leaving [me] sleeping alone while the ticking of [my] biological clock lulls [me] into fitful dreams? I don’t feel equipped for singleness. All the youth group dating advice was predicated on the idea that marriage was in my future, that if I made all the right choices, kept myself pure, and sought after God, he would reward me with a husband.” *
 
Wow. Yes. That’s it. Ever since college, I’ve wondered… What did I do wrong to be single for so long? What is wrong with me that I’m still single? Ever since sixth grade youth group, I’d been presumptuous… Follow God’s rules, be a good person, make the right choices, and God will give me a husband… more than that, God would owe me a husband…! Ugh…!

 

There’s been a battle within me… a wrestling that yearns for resolve… All that which I was primed for as a child – that one day I’d learn how to live life together with a husband and wake to the little pitter-patter of tiny feet – has yet to come to fruition. Yes, there is still time for that… but the fact remains, life hasn’t turned out as I’d expected…

 

Smith goes on, “Many churches are proudly family-centered, and while this purpose aligns well with the American dream, it does little to welcome those of us who don’t fit the same mold…. In the church, certain assumptions are made about older single people: They’re weird or lack emotional intelligence; they’ve been dating the wrong way; or they’re held back by character defects or unresolved sin… All these stereotypes…are inaccurate. Singleness is not the problem—inability to see God’s sovereignty in singleness is.” *

 

We’ve glorified marriage and family life in the church… As if to remain single, or even childless, is to be less than whole. Indeed, I’ve held the same view… To be single beyond your twenty’s must mean your life took a wrong turn, there’s something wrong with you, or in rare cases, God might have singled you out for a special, more noble purpose in life… caring for orphans like Mother Theresa…

 

Consequently, my heart’s ideals have collided with the reality of my day-in, day-out life… Opening up questions about the blessed life…

 

But, even in this, I have found resolve… Even in singleness there is purpose… meaning… blessing… God has allowed it, maybe even ordained it… For sure, He has a plan… “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” **

 

In speaking to God, King David reminds us that God, “created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb… All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” ***

 

And lastly, the Apostle Paul reminds us, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” ****

 

Paul could see God’s plans… Christ was creating His church so that it would function like our human body…

 

“Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body… If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, everyone of them, just as he wanted them to be… As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” *****

 

So, I write this, not for pity… or even out of pride… Though it has been a difficult road for me, I’m not disappointed in what has transpired in my single life… I’ve had opportunity to do things I’ve always dreamed of – most of all travel – that I wouldn’t have done if I’d had a family in tow… I write this for the purpose of perspective…

 

To my single friends – don’t be ashamed of your current solo flight. God has meaning and purpose in it… Enjoy it… Discover who God made you to be… Serve wherever God has gifted or called you… Know you are deeply loved by Jesus…

 

To my married friends – remember your single friends. A simple phone call, text message, or card would be meaningful… Invite them to your son’s little league game, your daughter’s recital, or over for dinner… it doesn’t have to be extravagant, just being invited is enough to know we’re valued and haven’t been forgotten…

 

To the church – be more welcoming to singles. Don’t exploit their availability, appreciate it… Listen to their perspective… Walk beside them in their struggles… Invite them in… Let them know they are seen, heard, appreciated and loved… most of all, let them know they are not forgotten…

 

“Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.” †

 

“…Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” ††

 

*“Flying Solo in a Family-Centered Church” by Joy Beth Smith, Christianity Today, June, 2017
**Jeremiah 29:11          ***Psalm 139:13 & 16b     ****Ephesians 2:10
*****1 Corinthians 12:14-15, 17-18, & 20
†1 Corinthians 12:27    ††John 13:34-35
 
Pc: Sarah Coffey

Only human…

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So, this week I’ll be finishing my second week at my new job. I’ve been excited to finally be going back to work, earning an income, learning a new skill, making new friends…!

Whelp, by day two, I found myself a bit overwhelmed… I had forgotten what it was like to be the new girl… the outsider coming in… to be learning something completely new… all those wretched insecurities I thought I’d overcome came rushing to the surface… that desire to be liked, known, belong… All day, I tried hard to be pleasant and a fast learner… showing my value and competency… By the end of the day, I was a wreck… why do I feel this way? Why should I care what others think? Why can’t I simply be myself??

Now, I’m just gonna get real… Sometimes life just… sucks… I always hated that word, but am learning it really sometimes fully expresses life’s valleys…  Even when the sun is shining and all is well in our world, we can still feel emotionally bankrupt, broken, insecure…

Over the last couple weeks, I’ve come back face-to-face with my humanity… that part of myself which, if I’m honest, I hate… Even as I drained like a sponge while talking with my sister about it, I felt ashamed, guilty, and disappointed in myself… God has done SO much for me, not only over the course of my life, but especially recently… Why do I still feel broken?

Ah, but I am human… wanting to be liked, fit in, belong is only natural… yet, I loathe my own insecurities and despise my overcompensating self… But you know what, that’s OK!

It’s okay to be human… to be awkward… to let yourself feel what you feel and be what you are….

I was reminded that even in the midst of my humanity, Jesus whispers, “I’ve been there…” After all, He came clothed in flesh and bones like you and me… He skinned His knee… felt the desire to belong… perhaps even felt insecure in His human appearance… Surely, He can relate to my feelings, my struggles, my brokenness…

“Since the children have flesh and blood, He too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might break the power of him who holds the power of death—that is, the devil—and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death…”*

Yes, He shared in my humanity… So, even as He did, what was His call?

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”**

I am simply to come to Him… to rest… just be… Allow myself the grace to feel what I am… human. In the meantime, He will hold me, love me, revitalize me… He alone can give me peace amidst the pain… joy amidst the junk… hope amidst the heap… Life doesn’t leave us on the mountain tops, but neither are we left among the shadows of the valleys… But if we keep walking, we will be able to attest to the joy of His presence…

*Hebrews 2:14-15

**Matthew 11:28-30

pc: dani Izac, Cape Town, South Africa